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Hugh Hefner dead at 91, Financial news, Kleenex is announcing profit lost for next year. 
One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.
RIP Hugh Hefner. A remarkable life. Fans of his work are now doing something they’re quite accustomed to - grabbing a tissue.
When I was a kid I could climb mountians. Now I have to steady my self to fart.
I never make any plans unless I have a way of getting out of them.
Thoughts on lunch time at the office: I like opening the microwave with one second left on the timer. It makes me feel like James Bond disarming a nuclear bomb.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
In alcohol’s defense, I've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.
Think I'm going to keep covering my face with a mask after the pandemic as they're really helping my dating life.
SYNONYM [Noun] A word used in a place of the one you can't spell.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool. When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp? Me: 1970.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Parenting fact: The kid who says “wasn’t me” before you even ask the question is definitely the guilty one
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie* me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Amazing how much technology has advanced with new ways for people to communicate with each other 50 years ago they used to call talking. 