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Love ordering from the menu by reading the description, not the item. "Yes, I'll have the two long ground corn tamales stuffed with pork." 
I asked HR for some things to improve my work performance: an adjustable chair, a wrist cushion mousepad, xanax. Pretty standard requests.
At times I think we have achieved so much as a species, but then I notice that someone has tossed a dirty diaper in a parking lot.
Microsoft agrees to acquire LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. Which is also the number of email updates users receive daily.
I just tried to unfriend someone I am not even friends with.
The first 5 items on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to nap.
My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.
Today is January the 96th
Could everyone stop typing for a moment while I try to remember if I took my pills. Thank you.
If your lawyer’s office is in an old Pizza Hut, you’re going to jail.
Yesterday I went to an antique shop and asked "What's new?". I don't know why that guy gave me a murderous look
Just had a flashback to a spelling mistake I made earlier.... I may have Post grammatic stress disorder.
Who needs an alarm clock? Giving mine away because my bladder is set permanently for 5:30AM.
Don’t let this distract you from the fact The Avengers blew a 5-1 stone lead in the Infinity Wars.
I don't always know what my wife is saying....... She can talk 50% faster than I can listen
Whenever I am feeling good about myself I call my wife to take it down a notch
Jeremiah was a bullfrog. True story.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
C'mon man, nobody's doing it! - Hipster Peer Pressure
Pets are brilliant at geometry. They effortlessly calculate the angles to most effectively impede your progress in hallways. 