Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

   Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

   They just left Jeffrey Toobin hanging there.

   *Comes home with seven 5 lb bags of Halloween candy. Husband: Didn’t you see the email? There’s no trick or treating in the neighborhood this year. Me: I saw it.

   My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

   Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

   Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Sh$t” and a one and a two

   I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

   $1400.00 per child? Hold up Maury, I just might be the father after all.

   I slept like a log last night. ... Woke up in the fireplace!

   It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

   If he wants you to be in his life, he'll put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot on the couch.

   No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.

   So far it's been a successful Fathers day. There hasn't been anyone knocking on my door with a "You don't know me, but" opening line yet

   My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker.

   If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.

   You can sponsor a child in need for the cost of a cup of coffee. I wanna help, but they really shouldn't be giving coffee to kids.

   Sidenote: You can't hide a booger under a glass table.

   Finish your plate, there are people starving at Victoria's Secret.

   It is Canada Day, so go out and pet a beaver.