Funny Status Messages

   It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

   I just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.

   As soon as someone makes a time machine I'm going back to when being fat & pale was a sign of nobility.

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse

   Cleaning all the straws out of my glove box cause I would not want any straw sniffing dogs to find my stash!

   Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?

   Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?....any scholars out there?

   If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.

   I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

   My bank account is a pit stop where money comes to hold its breath before proceeding to where it was destined for.

   If women are always right,why do they always picking wrong men?

   My wife just told me that I need to grow up. I was speechless, but it is kinda hard to talk with 45 Gummie Bears in your mouth.

   In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.

   It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

   It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL

   You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.

   Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.

   When will the Death Star be completed by our Space Force program?