Funny Status Messages

   "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" "Yes you are, I appreciate your apology."

   I don't want to know the Daily Recommended Value. I want to know the Daily Maximum Value that I can consume before I get either fat or diabetes.

   was always taught, "You become what you eat." So he only eat rich foods. He's still waiting...

   yes, sarcasm is one of the services we offer here

   wonders if people in France say "Pardon my English" when they swear..

   Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

   highly recommended and there's no need for a second opinion.

   thinks that by the time we finally figure life out the alzheimers kicks in and we forget it all...

   believes that sometimes it's best to not question your friend. Just help them dump the body bag into the river.

   I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

   going to make this day interesting by playing with matches and running with scissors out in traffic...

   has the key to all of life's questions... but he'll be damned if he can find the lock...

   Every hero has that villain to keep them going.

   If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

   My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

   what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

   If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

   Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

   I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

   Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.