Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon Before we begin, I’d like to get a little weird.
←Rate | 05-14-2018 08:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was trying to think of something really deep to post this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
←Rate | 05-14-2018 06:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't believe I was born without my permission.
←Rate | 05-14-2018 00:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
←Rate | 05-13-2018 20:26 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bruce Jenner must be so confused today
←Rate | 05-13-2018 09:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon remember moms, if you smell burnt toast you're not having a stroke...its the kids trying to make breakfast
←Rate | 05-12-2018 20:32 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon God gave us shins so we could find things in the dark.
←Rate | 05-12-2018 16:53 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife and I broke because of my gambling...... I hit the lottery and left her.
←Rate | 05-12-2018 16:51 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon "Give me fuel, give me fire, give me the nap that I desire!" - realistic Metallica
←Rate | 05-12-2018 12:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.
←Rate | 05-12-2018 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers!?!
←Rate | 05-12-2018 09:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Let me clear my calendar for the royal wedding on 19th May" - said no one ever.
←Rate | 05-12-2018 06:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wife: Thinking about having my boobs enlarged. Husband: Just rub them with some toilet paper. Wife: will that work? Husband: It did for your butt.
←Rate | 05-12-2018 02:12 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you see Olivia Munn in a movie trailer, you can almost hear a toilet flushing in your mind.
←Rate | 05-12-2018 01:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gave my boss a mother's day card. Because "he" is one of the top ten mothers on my list.
←Rate | 05-12-2018 00:34 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My biggest problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:48 by @papasuncle Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not really sure I want this gas pump to know what zip code I live in
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at my highest dad level when I see a toddler stroking a cat in the wrong direction.
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:34 by @citizenkawala Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:31 by @thecatwhisperer Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:25 Comments (0)  

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