Funny Status Messages

   had many people walk into her life and made it great. She has had many people walk out of her life and made it f*cking fantastic!!!

   Drinking, smoking and fatty foods are taking too long to kill me. I had to fall in love again to speed-up the process.

   A recent study conducted by UCLA just discovered that doing just about anything increases your risk of death.

   I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday, you really got on my nerves.

   Call me immature ONE more time, and you'll no longer be invited to help me build a kick-butt couch cushion fort.

   Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   If you're really curious whether or not you're ugly, just tell a co-worker of the opposite sex that their ass looks really hot when they wear those pants. If he/she reports you for sexual harassment, there's your answser.

   I'm in love with my bed. But my alarm clock won't let us be together.

   there is nothing more pleasing than seeing a couple that are always posting sickly messages to each, who finally break up on facebook

   I guess the truth really does hurt. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle when the seat's missing, but it hurts.

   Internet killed the video store

   I think the only people that can use a disposable razor and NOT cut themselves are people that have been to prison!

   Facebook has been down for 2 hours. The apocalypse has begun.

   Party like you will never be invited to another!

   Deleting my browser history almost makes me feel like I never cyberstalked you in the first place

   Just build the wall on the Mexican side and call it foreign aid.

   Apparently America has a very difficult time understanding and differentiating between the simple terms "Legal" and "Illegal."

   I can't watch Kate Gosselin on Dancing with the Stars. Whenever they swing her around the dance floor, I'm scared more babies will fly out!

   I never thought I would be one of those people who get up early to hit the gym every day. I was right.