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There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you is a psychiatrist. 
You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.
Me: At the cookout, asking everyone how they like their burger, before making them all exactly the same.
If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.
Ladies, it’s time to start thinking about if the guy you’re dating has post-apocalyptic warlord potential.
If you ever jacked off to my pic you owe me like $5
Amazonesia: When you forgot what you ordered this time.
Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.
Brain: I can see you’re trying to sleep; can I offer a selection of your worst memories?
Cinderella must have had some strange feet if her slipper didn’t fit anyone else in town.
When the cross-eyed mechanic says, “no worries sir, I did the alignment myself.”
Am I a good mother, Susan. Susan: My name is Amy.
If some guy named “Corn Pop” was real, pretty sure he would have come forward by now.
Tact ~ The ability to tell someone to go to hell and they look forward to it.
Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.
When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.
There is nothing else to hope for, but for things to get better.
Random Person: Let’s take our hearts for a walk in the woods and listen to the magic whispers of old trees. Me: Can I buy some drugs from you?
I need advice…. Never mind, I already did the stupid thing.
It’s 4/19 - don’t forget to put milk and cookies out for Willie Nelson tonight. 