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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"
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12-06-2019 08:57
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I bought some new "London Bridge Jeans" They keep falling down.
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01-07-2020 04:53
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Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends and Caller ID to avoid the first two things.
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01-09-2020 08:17
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Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn't read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing.
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01-22-2020 07:11
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what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
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03-04-2020 11:08
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Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it* Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
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07-13-2020 10:00
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Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
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07-13-2020 10:03
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Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the WiFi password is so he has time to find the little piece of paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.
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11-17-2021 05:52
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Why does this dental floss refuse to let me toss it into the bathroom trash can?
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04-16-2018 02:14
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Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.
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05-20-2018 13:01
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My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.
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06-06-2018 06:58
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Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.
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06-14-2018 12:46 by
Mediadude
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The world would be much more fun if every restaurant was an all you could eat buffet.
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07-01-2018 10:00
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If you date both men & women and still can't get into a relationship are you technically bi-yourself?
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08-22-2018 17:49
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Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas
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10-08-2018 11:52
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Thanksgiving is a good time to give people the bird and tell them to stuff it. Happy Thanksgiving. :-)
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11-20-2018 15:23 by
Pilgrim
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I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.
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01-04-2019 09:17
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If you watch Godzilla vs King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city.
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08-23-2019 06:44
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It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.
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09-23-2019 06:00
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Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.
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09-26-2019 05:02
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