Funny Status Messages

   Just because you can see my teeth, don't assume I'm smiling

   I'm suffering from Insania. Its sort of like Insomnia, only its the voices in my head that cant sleep.

   I remember back when my "car seat" was the back window shelf of my mom's 63 Plymouth Valiant

   It is the year 2048. Colleges are offering courses in selfie angles.

   Sleep more securely with a knife under your pillow in case someone breaks in the house with cake

   I am planning to enjoy my evening with the in-laws tonight by filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you. Hold a man's beer and it will show up on YouTube.

   Thanksgiving is a good time to give people the bird and tell them to stuff it. Happy Thanksgiving. :-)

   I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.

   If you watch Godzilla vs King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city.

   It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.

   Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the WiFi password is so he has time to find the little piece of paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   What’s the difference between an airplane and the US? The plane’s left wing isn’t trying to crash it into the dirt.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   Time to hit the sack. After that, I’ll probably just go to bed.

   Ole Nancy and the other baby murderers are crying awful hard today...

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.