Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.

   Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow

   Got caught daydreaming about sleep again at work today

   I want to take a moment to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years.

   If I ever find the idiot who decided that it was a brilliant idea to put un-skipable adverts in the middle of a video.

   My car has an interesting feature, a rotating fuel tank equipped with a sensor. So whichever side of a gas pump I pull up to, my fuel tank is on the other side of the car.

   Just because you can see my teeth, don't assume I'm smiling

   I'm suffering from Insania. Its sort of like Insomnia, only its the voices in my head that cant sleep.

   I remember back when my "car seat" was the back window shelf of my mom's 63 Plymouth Valiant

   It is the year 2048. Colleges are offering courses in selfie angles.

   Sleep more securely with a knife under your pillow in case someone breaks in the house with cake

   I am planning to enjoy my evening with the in-laws tonight by filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you. Hold a man's beer and it will show up on YouTube.

   I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file. Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the WiFi password is so he has time to find the little piece of paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   Time to hit the sack. After that, I’ll probably just go to bed.

   My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"