Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.

   "Who let the dogs out?" - [Pavlov getting annoyed]

   I’m going to write a modern Christmas song called “baby is cold outside” it’s the story of a woman arguing with her husband about the thermostat

   I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”

   I had this crazy nightmare where I actually enjoyed my job. Thank God I woke up before my boss walked in.

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.

   At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

   I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

   What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?

   It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes

   If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you're walking

   Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say..

   I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

   Happy birthday to Alexander Graham Bell. In his honor, I’ll be calling in sick.

   New Commandment: 11. Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor.

   Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

   A guy at Kroger asked me if I know where Engagement, Ohio is. I said it's between Dayton and Marion.

   Pro Tip: If you wear a face mask your coworkers can't smell the alcohol on your breath.

   Obviously stupidity is much more contagious than Covid19

   Acknowledge many, trust few, but always paddle your own Canoe