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one million dollars away from being a millionaire 
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you've been screwed to get there.
Given the choice between Parkinsons and Alzheimers, I would prefer Parkinsons. I would rather spill a little beer rather than forget where I put it.
A woman was in bed with husband's best friend when phone rang. After hanging up, she turned to her lover and said "That was Jim, but don't worry he won't be home for a while, he's playing cards with you!
I had social networking when I was a kid, too. I think back then it was called "outside."
Next time someone presses the elevator button you've already pressed... act totally impressed & tell them they did it waaay better than you.
Don't you just love nature? Dispite what it did to your face.
thinks if you are the fortunate one to sing our National Anthem at the SUPERBOWL, then shouldn't you at least know the lyrics? fail, BIGTIME!
Happy Singles Discrimination Day!!!!!!!!!!!
Some idiot just bought MySpace for $35 million. That has to be an Antiques Roadshow record!
Bin Ladens last words " hey your Chuck Nor_____"
I bet it's tough being a police sketch artist in China.
Sex with an ex is like borrowing a car you sold to a friend. The handling is very familiar but you feel a need to abuse it a little.
If you've never played Tetris, you're probably useless at loading a dishwasher.
There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”.
In a BMW manual the first page says "Drive like an a$$hole" and rest is just tips on how to bring up your BMW in every conversation.
There iis both a freedom of speech and freedom of silence......a wise person knows when to use both.
Popup ads are the Jehovahs witnesses of the internet.
Edward Snowden: Provides evidence that the government is spying on us......Government charges him for spying...
Shark week is over, but I'm not taking my decorations down 