Funny Status Messages

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

   It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

   the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it

   Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him.

   If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree. "I killed your friend. Here, hold him."

   Now all of a sudden having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, a gallon of bleach and plastic sheeting in the trunk of my car is okay.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   Joe Biden wants to put coke back in cocaine, or you know, the thing.

   Jill Biden tries cocaine for the first time, says it needs more coke.

   What do you get when a topless blond rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette? Your camera.

   We lost our culture around the time we stopped smoking Marlboro Reds and started vaping strawberry cheesecake.

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

   If I owned a taser, I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself… and that’s why I don’t own a taser.

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.