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I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run! 
Television is the monster in your home, and it’s called a program for a reason. It has been designed to psychologically change the ways that you view reality.
Some people won’t admit their faults. I would, if I had any.
"Elon Musk" sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.
If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax man will be there shortly.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
What makes Elon guard his Musk? Courage
Welcome to McBrandon’s…. Would you like some lies with that?
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.
Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree. "I killed your friend. Here, hold him."
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him.
Now all of a sudden having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, a gallon of bleach and plastic sheeting in the trunk of my car is okay.
A guy just yelled at me
for texting and driving.
I told him to get off my hood
and mind his own business.
What do you get when a topless blond rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette? Your camera. 