Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most. Husband: No, it's because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 07:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”. Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 07:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *lights cigarette Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 07:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Math professor: today we're doing geometry Me: *falls asleep* [20 years later] Occult leader: set up a pentagram of salt Me: a what now
←Rate | 10-16-2019 07:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls Date: Sounds good! Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
←Rate | 10-16-2019 07:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dude ain’t fit to coach a 12 year old girls soccer team let alone our country.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 00:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When do I know I'm a full adult? Is it when I buy a house, or when I stop substituting popcorn for a meal?
←Rate | 10-15-2019 13:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is no one ever the right amount of whelmed?
←Rate | 10-15-2019 13:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife's phone's space button is broken and she text me phonebrokenIwantanalternate I'm excited, but what is a ternate?
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Your way just happens to be in the dark...
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Home Alone 4: How Does This Keep Happening? Child Protective Services is Going to Take Your Son From You!
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone needs to make an app that alerts you every time your girlfriend gets a haircut, so we don't forget to notice.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some girls are tan and others look like they went face first into a bag of Cheetos.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well, I just finished the internet. What a great read... I hope they make another one.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Married people with children do not have "sex", they have "quick, they're asleep!".
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Alcohol is really just the liquid version of Photoshop.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but how did I end up on the catch and release list?
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This Thanksgiving, I'll be roasting a pheasant stuffed with a duck that's been stuffed with mutton. I'll be serving a hot Phuckewe.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Shouldn't old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Go down a water slide while it isn't wet and you'll understand why foreplay is so important.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:37 Comments (0)  

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