Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon I just want to be rich enough to get away with 2 murders. 3 tops.
←Rate | 07-10-2018 09:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you wake up to pee, don't "take a second" to check your Facebook. It's a trap.
←Rate | 07-10-2018 09:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it just me or has this World Cup been on for like 149 years?
←Rate | 07-10-2018 09:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.
←Rate | 07-10-2018 09:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it so hard to get the sticky label off of a new non-stick frying pan?
←Rate | 07-09-2018 22:20 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Being constantly preached about things is no reason to hate a person or group of people.
←Rate | 07-09-2018 12:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One day many years ago there was a man who didn't drink any beer. But it was many years ago and it was only for that one day...
←Rate | 07-09-2018 11:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know your farts must really stink when you fart and your dog gets up and leaves the room.
←Rate | 07-09-2018 11:25 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Birth control pills are only tax deductable when they don't work.
←Rate | 07-09-2018 04:40 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon When the smoke detector sounds, I know the dinner my girlfriend is cooking is ready.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 22:48 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
←Rate | 07-08-2018 22:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To show my girlfriend I liked her cooking I had a second slice of her gravy.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 22:34 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Old track star: "When I was young they use to time me with a stopwhatch. Now they use a hourglass."
←Rate | 07-08-2018 21:11 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 21:05 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Claustrophobic people are more productive outside of the box.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 21:00 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Looks like those tariffs will finish off the family dairy farm once and for all. Too much winning!
←Rate | 07-08-2018 20:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon s there ANYONE out there that when they see or hear the name 'Aaron' they don't say out-loud or at least think A-Aron?
←Rate | 07-08-2018 14:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon West Virginia is just Virginia's white suburb...
←Rate | 07-08-2018 14:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Let's get married. Whoever gets out with their soul wins.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 13:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon my boss: you're fired [pauses porn] why
←Rate | 07-08-2018 10:33 Comments (0)  

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