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   messageicon By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
←Rate | 12-11-2019 13:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
←Rate | 12-03-2019 09:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So it's not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that's driving an armored truck. I know that now.
←Rate | 01-09-2020 08:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase 'jumping on the bandwagon' got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
←Rate | 02-18-2020 16:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Homeschooling day 4: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
←Rate | 03-26-2020 10:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
←Rate | 04-07-2020 19:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Has anyone checked the math on the Mayan calendar to see if it was off by about 8 years?
←Rate | 04-19-2020 08:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
←Rate | 07-13-2020 10:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
←Rate | 09-25-2019 16:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.
←Rate | 09-25-2019 21:59 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: do you have protection? MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
←Rate | 08-24-2020 14:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Love how I can remember the lyrics to just about any song written in the 70s but can't remember where I laid my car keys down last night?
←Rate | 08-30-2020 19:35 by moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
←Rate | 09-30-2020 15:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
←Rate | 09-30-2020 15:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
←Rate | 10-02-2020 08:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
←Rate | 10-06-2020 11:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They just left Jeffrey Toobin hanging there.
←Rate | 10-20-2020 14:23 by Grumpy Comments (0)  

   messageicon The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
←Rate | 03-23-2018 12:03 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
←Rate | 01-24-2019 08:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lori Loughlin is wondering how the Coronavirus got into Princeton and her kid didn’t.
←Rate | 03-19-2020 08:26 Comments (0)  

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