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Can you imagine how sexy I'd be if I ate right and took care of my body... I'm not going to, but can you imagine” 
I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....
It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL
I can't wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him!
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
There’s no such thing as a non-terrifying Easter bunny costume.
I went to the toilet without my phone. There's 118 floor tiles and the longest word on a shampoo bottle is "methylchloroisothiazolinone".
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Someone just called me NORMAL......I have never been so insulted in my life....
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work
I HAVE SEEN MORE of tiger woods on facebook today than him on the pga tour in years
Ladies, don't get your panties in a bunch. The ones sold individually are much nicer.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
When I was a kid we rode our bikes without helmets and nothing's wrong with us. And you know what else? When I was a kid we rode our bikes without helmets and nothing's wrong with us.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren't as cute as donkeys. 