Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Man it's already half way through the year. Time flies when the world is falling apart.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?

   There's no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.

   Am I the only one that doesn't eat all day then binges 4000 calories in one sitting?

   Did you know, Hillary Clinton killed Kurt Cobain because grunge was making pantsuits obsolute.

   ... Well .... For the safety of all in attendance ... I certainly hope the official Olympic Flame in Brazil will be comprised of a gargantuan industrial sized Citronella candle!

   I'm so old I'm still looking for Waldo. F*ck Pokemon.

   All my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

   Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.

   I hope the person who invented the 5-day work week, with only a 2-day weekend, died alone and poor.

   Nobody wakes up and thinks, "If I play my cards just right today, by 9:05 PM I'll be eating ice cream straight from the carton with a fork."

   I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I'm going to have.

   What part of "billionaire playboy" don't you understand?

   Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

   it just me, or is anyone else finding it difficult to log on to dyslexics.moc?

   Spent the last twenty minutes trying to get my sideburns even and now I'm sporting a Mohawk!

   How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss ?

   I got pulled over again. The cop said "I'm going to need to see your license and registration." I said "You guys seriously need to get a grip. One day you take my license and the next day you ask to see it."

   If you are paying $3.00 for Smart Water, it isn't working.

   Just discovered that spilling hot coffee in your lap wakes you up faster then drinking it.