Funny Status Messages

   There's no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.

   Am I the only one that doesn't eat all day then binges 4000 calories in one sitting?

   Did you know, Hillary Clinton killed Kurt Cobain because grunge was making pantsuits obsolute.

   ... Well .... For the safety of all in attendance ... I certainly hope the official Olympic Flame in Brazil will be comprised of a gargantuan industrial sized Citronella candle!

   I'm so old I'm still looking for Waldo. F*ck Pokemon.

   All my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

   Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.

   I hope the person who invented the 5-day work week, with only a 2-day weekend, died alone and poor.

   Nobody wakes up and thinks, "If I play my cards just right today, by 9:05 PM I'll be eating ice cream straight from the carton with a fork."

   I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I'm going to have.

   What part of "billionaire playboy" don't you understand?

   Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

   Thank God the American Elections are over. Now the rest of the world can go back to hating their own politicians.

   Just saw a guy getting mugged. I was going to help him out, but he was wearing Crocs.

   Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.

   Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken..

   When I die I want the Falcons to be my pallbearers so they can let me down one last time

   I've always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.

   There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.