Funny Status Messages

   Thank God the American Elections are over. Now the rest of the world can go back to hating their own politicians.

   Just saw a guy getting mugged. I was going to help him out, but he was wearing Crocs.

   Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.

   Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken..

   When I die I want the Falcons to be my pallbearers so they can let me down one last time

   I've always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.

   There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.

   According to the United Nations' World Happiness Report, Norway is the happiest country in the world. They must not watch The Kardashians.

   My memory foam has amnesia

   There’s no such thing as a non-terrifying Easter bunny costume.

   I went to the toilet without my phone. There's 118 floor tiles and the longest word on a shampoo bottle is "methylchloroisothiazolinone".

   Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

   At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.

   Someone just called me NORMAL......I have never been so insulted in my life....

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work

   I HAVE SEEN MORE of tiger woods on facebook today than him on the pga tour in years

   Ladies, don't get your panties in a bunch. The ones sold individually are much nicer.

   Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go

   If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls