Funny Status Messages

   After all the eating I have done this winter, I am happy to report my flip-flops still fit.

   My brother came over with his two young sons and I had to child-proof the entire house by closing the blinds and not answering the door.

   Cheated on my diet yesterday with a prettier, sluttier diet.

   Congratulations!!! Your software finally irritated me into upgrading it....

   I called a phone sex line for married people. It was just a long uncomfortable silence till the operator said "make it quick."

   Whenever my wife falls asleep in public I start slapping her and yelling "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!!" Then people cheer and applaud when she wakes up.

   My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.

   Easter candy on sale. Welcome back 10 pounds.

   Ladies, I now understand the whole "my eyes are up here" thing ever since I started wearing a sword.

   I really don't want to interact with other human beings today if I can help it...

   If you ask me to write something down over the phone, my "pen" is just a series of "uh"s and "got it"s.

   My new girlfiend is taking FOREVER to exist.

   “I’ve never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.” R.I.P. Mr. Spock

   Oh I can't, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

   Future old age homes are gonna love the nipple rings . so handy to lift them up and change the sheets

   statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die

   Hey, just came over to extend a big warm welcome to nobody caresville...population: me

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.

   Should the phillies A) have mexican food night so at least someone at that stadium will get the "runs" or B) sign andy reid at least he knows what to do at the plate.

   Insanity doesn't RUN in my family. It just STROLLS around, taking it's sweet time....