Funny Status Messages

   Writing. Like. This. Doesnt. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.

   Just caught my kids arguing over who loved me more...it would've been sweet but they were pushing each other and saying "you love him more"..."uh uh you love him more"...

   I didnt trip, I was testing gravity......... It still works

   So far today I made only one mistake...I GOT OUT OF BED!!!

   Beauty is only a light switch away...

   You can't be a smart cookie with a crummy attitude.

   Procrastination has it's good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.

   geting behind early so she can have plenty of time to catch up

   can cure Narcolepsy just by walking into the Room

   You know times are tough when you go trick or treating and a guy is handing out his resume

   I have been checking facebook less and less. If this continues, I'll eventually forget about all those people for the 2nd time.

   The future of American women is being led by role models like Snooki, Lindsay Lohan, Nicki Minaj... you're totally screwed.

   If I get married I want it to be for all the right reasons, like needing health insurance and getting a tax break.

   Does it ever rain on The Walking Dead???

   It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.

   I don't think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.

   Back in the day I was attracted to this chick but never had enough guts to ask her out but after witnessing first hand the drama she creates on Facebook I am glad I dodged that bullet.

   I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him.

   [in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope

   Beam him up, Scotty. There is no more intelligent life down here.