Funny Status Messages

   Washing my face, eyes are closed and the cat rubs against my legs. First thought: "SHARK!!!" Second thought: "No more Discovery Channel before bed!"

   dear local weatherman if its 92° and feels like 102° then guess what dumbass? its 102°

   If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

   has a 'get-rich-slow' scheme... and it's working perfectly!

   I remember the good old days before reality tv when you actually needed talent to be a celiberty. Hey Spencer and Heidi, I'm looking in your direction! And lets not forget you Mss Tequila!

   has heard that Toyota's new 2011 Camry will be so advanced it recalls itself.

   Happy Father's Day to all of the guys who have a kid and don't know about it.

   If you believe the competitive spirit in America is dead, you haven't been in the supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.

   Don't let life get in the way of your dreams... go back to sleep!

   decided it was time to leave the restroom when the guy in the stall next to me shouted "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!"

   thinks living well may be the best revenge... but rubbing your ass all over someone's cell phone is pretty good too.

   I've been watching movies all wrong. Apparently, you're supposed to guess out loud what's going to happen next.

   I have hit the level of FB addiction that, when determining the successfulness of my day, I factor in how many 'likes' I got on my posts. Yesterday was 93. That's one I'll tell the grandchildren about some day. :-)

   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

   Maybe things would improve if we shipped Congress's jobs overseas too.

   At the Photography Studio: "First, we'll shoot you, then we'll blow you up, then you can go home and hang yourself."

   ~*~What? You didn't understand that? Here, let me break out the crayons and hand puppets and see if we can dumb this down enough for you...

   I drank my 8 glasses of water today. Well... 90% water anyway, there may have been some barley, hops, and yeast mixed in there for taste

   I don't get it?? How are dead people making new songs? On the radio it just said MJs new tune? It's the same with 2pac? Great skills... It's gonna be the same when I kick the bucket, I'm still gonna update Facebook

   TURKEY - Coming soon to a table near you.