Funny Status Messages

   My friend’s uncle was a hypochondriac. People like that make me sick.

   If your IQ is 35 but you think it’s 220, you’re probably a moron.

   Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!

   Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

   That’s a horrible idea. What time?

   We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

   Milk comes from cows, not almonds or other hippy lifestyle products.

   If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

   I do not like your mental haze. I do not like your leftist ways. I do not like your son on blow. I do not like you Sleepy Joe.

   Was stung by a bee, guess what happened? That’s right, a Welp.

   The CDC recommends wearing your mask on your butt to protect against Monkeypox.

   Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time

   I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

   Let go of my ears, I know what I’m doing.

   Can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

   It’s gonna be hilarious when the people who thought that Biden was going to forgive their student loans realize that he gave them a tax increase instead.

   I want my paychecks in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.

   4 o’clock and all is Welp.

   Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable; you only wear them in public, and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices.

   Ever wonder what it feels like being Putin? Try my three-bean salad.