Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon Who will protect the good folks of Sussex now that their Prince ditched them??
←Rate | 01-19-2020 11:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanks a lot Martin Luther my new LED toenail clippers won't be delivered tomorrow...
←Rate | 01-19-2020 11:00 by MM740 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't accept friend requests from people with no photos, a photo of someone playing a guitar, or photos that have more filters than Brita.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 09:56 by BobBogin Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you're in a blue state when a no kill animal shelter is on the same block as the abortion clinic.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 09:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What happens when 2 Egyptians pass gas at the same time? They have a toot in common.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 09:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Took some ex-lax cookies to work for Valentines. With friends like me, who needs enemas?
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your dating profile said you were a night this mouse.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Keys just don't make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [reviewing security cam footage to see what's eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it's me
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anytime a frozen meal tells me to "cut holes in film to vent" I pretend like I'm Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Hello, my name's Drew and I'm an addict" "Sir, this is a cheese counter"
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm 39 and I still don't know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:21 Comments (0)  

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