Funny Status Messages

   Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

   Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

   Not seeing a single action figure at the adult toy store.

   The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

   How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.

   When someone is telling a sad story and crying, how long should you wait before taking a bite of your corndog?

   Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

   Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

   Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.

   My pronoun is, Welp

   Please keep your opinions and microdroplets to yourself.

   What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan? Apples get picked.

   Opportunity does not knock; it presents itself when you beat down the door.

   The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

   I look better in person.

   You are the carbon they want to reduce.

   That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nike’s, but you still can’t do it.

   When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.

   Quit looking for a reason to hate me, I’m cool as f.

   Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.