Funny Status Messages

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she'd tried & he just wanted to get to the party

   If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.

   My anaconda really doesn't care if you got buns or not.

   There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe.

   I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined

   I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.

   We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.

   Let's declare the U.S.-Mexico border a National Park. That way, it will be closed.

   Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.

   If they feel the need to point out your flaws, THEY might be your biggest one.

   Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?

   I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.

   there are plenty of fish in the sea, too bad i'm a shark...

   When something good happens You drink to celebrate. When something bad happens You drink to forget. When nothing happens You drink because you want something to happen.

   I am black and I still think Kanye West is the biggest Douche of the Century!

   I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone.

   It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That's yours now."

   Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke.

   Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

   "People say you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you'd lose it."