Funny Status Messages

   Eating a popsicle in front of the guy you're banging and eating a popsicle in front of your dad requires two totally different techniques.

   may the bridges I burn light my way...

   Why is a strike in bowling a good thing, but a strike in baseball is bad? I guess sports really do mirror real life...how you play the game all depends on the size of your balls.

   I drove by a yard sale today. I know this because they had a child standing out front holding a sign that read "Yard Sale". Apparently they couldn't afford a stick.

   Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?

   When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

   I wish these people would stop sending me job offers for 5k a month to sit at my computer at home and work... after I get that check from the nigerian lottery i'm not going to need a job! suckers ;)

   Gas diet: Get your paycheck... fill up your car and you have no money to buy food! Bam...you lose weight!

   The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you're talking to yourself..!!

   I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I Miss New York", so I smashed their window and stole their radio.

   Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.

   The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.

   Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don't let the balloon touch the floor"

   Your/You're, Then/Than, To/Two/Too, Who's/Whose, There/Their.... Please learn the difference kids.You're our future.

   My anaconda really doesn't care if you got buns or not.

   There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe.

   I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined

   I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.

   We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.

   When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?