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Oldest woman, 114, dies. Her last words: "Who the f#*k is Justin Beiber?" 
People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.
CRAP.... look who's online..LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT....."Hey whats up?..s***!!
I think Dora the explorer is on drugs! She never seems to know where to go next and spends all day talking to a map, a backpack and a monkey.
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them
The Chileans take hide and seek way too seriously
Ahhhhh.coffee...I think coffee must contain an ingredient that makes you tolerate BS. That's probably why employers usually give it away for free all day :)
I'm no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no ''x'' in the words ''especially'', ''espresso'', or ''ask''.
his dreams shattered.. Megan Fox got married, there goes my 0.000000000001% chance
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Why do girls run from the ones that make them happy, and fight for the ones that make them cry?
Ladies that tattoo of the sun rising out of your butt-crack looks great now however when you're 60 it's an octopus chasing a starfish.
I'm thinking about making my own brand of beer and call it, "Responsibly." That way I would get free advertising from all my competitors. "Please drink Responsibly."
im single now.... and its weird to be dating again, because for the last three years... i've just been cheating.
I'm shocked at the amount of condoms old ladies buy the moment they leave their shopping carts unattended.
With all these birds falling out the sky, I won't be eating Chinese anytime soon....
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and I. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a b!tch.
The world would be a better place if people would just take my citizen arrests a little more seriously
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
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