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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine. 
The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.
Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.
Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?
There is no "I" in "Team." But there is no B, C, D, F, G, H, J, K, L, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z in "Team" either.
I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction! She clattered her computer keyboard and said.."It's not coming up!"...I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!
He got a new series, It's Caillou's Wrath Ø69!
In your faces, libtards! Mexico confirmed they are paying for the wall.
How 'bout that Missouri? Great role model state, eh?
I just got fired for cooking broccoli in the company break room.
Today is "Deflategate's" own Tom Brady's 40th birthday. Now that he's hit 40, footballs are not the only thing he'll have to worry about inflating.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches.
On a completely unrelated note;
If you've ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin: We send Justin Bieber to Russia!
Happy August 4! The International Beer Day!
When I BBQ meat on the grill, I like to marinate in a brine made with tears of a thousand Vegans.
I agree there is no "I" in team but have you noticed there is a "me"?
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