Funny Status Messages

   Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

   When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

   When I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. One says, “eat the chocolate.” The other says, “you heard me right, eat it.”

   The left in charge of every branch of power and the economy is tanking. Biden, I’d like to take a moment to blame the right.

   Back in 5 minutes ~ if not, read this again.

   Papa Bear: Read the part again where she burns her whore mouth on my porridge.

   “Fact Checkers” didn’t exist until the truth started getting out.

   I think my neighbor must have hit her toe with a hammer, she’s screaming like that at 2:00am. Lol

   Thank you, warning label. I almost used my toaster in the shower this morning.

   Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

   The only adult knowledge that a third grader needs to know, is that girls/boys have cooties.

   What’s up cake? Muffin much.

   Almost forgot the internet has porn.

   Shoutout to my parents who let me go through my tomboy phase without putting me on puberty blockers.

   Spell your crush’s name backwards ~ Dnufer Xat

   There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

   Establish dominance by asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

   Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

   Food is my favorite F-word.

   Certified freak seven days a week…. Wet a** opossum just walking down the street.