Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
If you do good deeds and post them on facebook, they're not good deeds anymore, they're self promotion . 
“i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling mom”
You ever look at someone and think, "they probably have cocaine in their pocket"?
For a detective, a surprise party is the ultimate insult.
My favorite form of gratification is instant.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
Children's berry flavored delsym on the rocks... For when you're sick but still want a drink to sip on.
I'm going to paint one side of my car red and the other side blue. That way, if I'm in a accident all the witness will contradict each other.
Almost time to play my favorite Spring time game....'Guess how deep that pothole really is.'
Thursday. The most useless day. It exists as a reminder that it's been a very long week and it's still not over.
My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.
The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.
I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
"claims he worked like a dog"......i must be getting ripped off because my dog doesnt do any work at all around the house
Fan theory suggest Finding Dory takes place in the same universe as Finding Nemo.
"If you think Golden Corral is fine steakhouse dining, you just might be a redneck."
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing.
1776: No Taxation Without Representation!!! 2016: No Commenting Without Liking!!!
It's nice having dogs that continuously warn me about the nothing outside. 