Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   real soon i'll need a better excuse than "sorry i'm trapped in the chilean mines right now"...

   You're saying I'm immature. Well, you're immature times infinity.

   every woman's pet and every man's regret.

   I am Captain Organised..Unlike Batman Superman and Spiderman my underpants are on the inside..

   Dear freezer, I get so hard for you. Sincerely Water.

   Think I got my Halloween costume.... SNOOKIE! I'll wear clothes 5 sizes too small, paint my body Umpa Loompa Orange, walk around half naked, drunk and screaming "Do you know who I am?!? I'm Snookie Biotch!"

   The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. ;)

   Today's word of advice: Never take a muscle relaxer if you've got the trots.

   All I want for Christmas, is to keep the things I've got.

   The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying ba$stards.

   Fortune Cookie: "Your life will be happy and peaceful." Dear Cookie: What drugs are you on? We should share.

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   If Superman is so smart, why is his underwear on the outside?

   You're never too old to learn something stupid.

   As the first chilean miner came to the surface he was quick to celebrate his 'rock paper scissors' championship 2010.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

   There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

   Getting a girl off is like a game of Marco Polo. The louder she gets, the closer you are. Wandering in the other direction is just counterproductive.

   Big... Powerful... Makes the ladies scream... Lasts for an hour. No wonder women love Oprah so much.

   Just once on Undercover Boss, I'd like to see one of the lower level employees just go, "Yeah, pretty much all I do all day is scrw around on Facebook and play Bubbleshooter. Also, our CEO is a d!ck."