Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   New plan for the weekend: free Charlie Sheen and party with him.

   Does the State Hospital have weekend package deals? cause I need a vacation!

   Your Halloween costume came to my house by mistake today, sorry I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c**ksucker again I see!

   Beauty is why God invented eyeballs.., and your booty is why God invented my balls...

   Spongebob is trying to give Gary a bath, aren't they already underwater?

   Electricity off?... Check. Doors and windows unlocked?... Check. Knives, Chainsaws, Machettes sharpened?... Double Check!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN

   one of those "Real Men Of Genius" Bud Light is talkin' about.....

   : Halloween.. The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger

   loading weekend… ██████████ 80% complete - (for Thursdays)

   Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

   Going to dress up as Maury Povich and visit the hospital delivery room telling the guy he is not the father.

   What do you think is the best Social Networking tool? Facebook? Twitter? Orkut? ... I say BEER! Yep, that's right. There's no other medium that makes friends bond as much as beer does....

   White House says Obama's "Daily Show" appearance was a success... In related news, the White House says Obama successfully poured cereal in his bowl this morning.

   Cheesy pick up line for the weekend: "Well, your here so I got my treat.How about we go to my place for some tricks?"

   Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me??

   : Am I the only one who sat in class during high school and imagined what I would do to people if I could stop time?

   amazed how unexpectedly and rapidly things can change. I am Gizmo and water was just splashed on me.

   My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

   what do you get when you cross GPS with PMS? A Crazy Beotch that will find you wherever you go!

   Health experts recommend 3 to 4 servings of fruit a day. So I wanna know exactly how many Coronas with limes is that gonna take?