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Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy. 
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you're under oath
I'm thankful for the people who have the make of their car across their windshield, I've always wondered who made your '97 Civic
The good thing about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are....the bad think about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are.
Have you tried sitting on the bench? - my life coach
Maybe my parents never told me how proud they were of me because they didn't have Facebook back then?
I enjoy having a full length mirror facing my bed so I can see all the sex I'm not having.
Can't wait for the storage wars episode where they find dead bodies,,,
You just know the aliens' cell phones are going to be nicer than ours.
Being a nice person is so exhausting, which is why a$$holes always have so much energy.
People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I don't even think it's possible for a bear to cook porridge.
"Auld Lang Syne" is too good to save for New Year's — I like to pump that jam in the middle of summer, with the top down
FYI: THIS IS THE FURTHEST IN HISTORY ANYONE'S EVER GONE!!!
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money.
It's weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn't hear you the first 100 times.
Let's see if there are an emotionally stable women tonight on The Bachelor. Nope, not tonight.
Pro tip for the ladies: If you're taking a mirror selfie, look at the mirror not your camera... 