Funny Status Messages

   Bachelors degree made possible by adderall

   My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. Why didn't I think of that?

   It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   When she starts "first of all "in the middle of an argument,just give up, she has won already as she is gonna bring up stuff from 10 years back

   You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

   My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

   This is why the government won’t tell us if aliens are real. You fockers will panic and buy all the tin foil.

   Do people just get up and think about what they can be offended by today?

   .. To make sure they will arrive on time, I'm mailing my Christmas cards now.

   I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

   If you can't afford to tip your food delivery drivers working in the pandemic maybe you should try to save some money by eating at home.

   Does anyone know if we have any wiggle room when it comes to the 6ft distances rule?

   Someone told me that they had a little seizure and I had to resist saying pizza, pizza.

   A sheep spends it's entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.

   Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Ain't no psychotic meltdowns, either...

   Just so everybody's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

   When I was younger I wanted to play guitar really badly. And after lots of hard work and practice, I now play the guitar really badly.

   Just found out AT&T stands for Atlantic Telephone and Telegraph. I think my internet is connected to the telegraph side.

   My aunt's ex-boyfriend's mailman's brother said it on Facebook so I don't think any further research is necessary.

   BREAKING: FBI finds John Wilkes Booth "extremely careless" in discharge of firearm.