Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   what happens when you spill carpet cleaner?

   why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? for the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

   kiss my asprin

   before lady Di, I never heard of Paparazzi.., I thought it was a circus act or something

   ...so you're talking and you feel like no one's listening at all? rip off a good loud fart. that'll get everybody's attention!

   stands mighty in an elite group, Procrastinators! The leaders of tomorrow

   Poker face? Yeah I would and then some.

   really misses Tiger Woods Gatorade. But the John Daly Gatorade is pretty good, too (it has vodka in it)

   Nothing is more irritating than someone that updates there status every two minutes.

   seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

   the awkward moment when you get in the van and the old man doesnt have any candy.....

   I just gave my cat a bath, she actually enjoyed it. it wasn't fun for me though, the fur kept sticking to my tongue

   A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

   Most fairy tales start with,"Once upon a time",my story starts with,"you ain't gonna believe this crap!"

   My mom and I were playing "Call of Duty" the other day.... I was calling her to check if she was doing the cleaning, cooking, and ironing

   today is National Kindness Day so say something nice y' JACKWAD!

   Just my luck...I got bit by a retroactive spider instead of a radioactive one! Now I'm making tie dye webs in shapes of pot leaves.

   "Release the hounds" sounds so much more badass than "let the dogs out".

   Watching Phoebe Cates exiting the pool for the 1,000,000,000 time!!!

   Why do people thinks that pressin the elevator button manny times It will come down faster!