Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.

   wanted to go for a nature walk in the woods with my ex today, but the shovel wont fit in my backpack :/

   suffering from PMS- Premature Morning Syndrome

   man walks into a room where he see's his wife watching a cookery programme. "Why you watching that", he says "you can't cook !". His wife replies "Why do you watch porn ?"

   Seems the Meadowlands couldn't handle all the Cowboy's touchdown. The stadium had no choice but to short circuit and shut down due to the confusion. For 12 minutes fans were able to experience a real Cowboys game...a complete blackout.

   wondering...If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?

   (With French accent) Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

   ‎84 yr old Queen Elizabeth just started a facebook page. I'm going to poke her.

   thinks the new myspace sucks... then again, so does the old one... way to be consistent myspace

   playing Call of Doodie

   AR15 rifle with scope- $1,600, 900 Rds of Lake City XM193 AF 5.56 loaded in 30 magazines $600, Emergency food suplies $1000, Cost of everything during the zombie apocalypse = Priceless

   The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills should be renamed Rich MILFs

   so awesome that "The Most Interesting Man in The World" is jealous.

   One day my ex-wife asked me if her new jeans made her butt look big, I said I don't know, let me jog around back there and check. Hence the ex-wife.

   As much as your kids are at my house, you should pay me child support.

   I think it is funny as hell. Then again I love my own brand of comedy!!

   You should not clean a gun while loaded....Unless you're wiping off fingerprints!!

   hard at work trying to crate train my hamster but, he just doesn't get it...so ive decided to train him to use the litter box!!! and who better to teach him than my cat.....

   Sex is like Spades...If you don't have a good partner, you have to have a good hand.

   sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop