Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sometimes, whenever I eat m&ms, I like to hold two m&ms between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one cracks. I eat the cracked one, and the one the didn't crack is deemed the champion. I grab another m&m and force - Read Comments for the rest

   Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a

   I just bumped into my sexy neighbour. She said, "Hows the little one, getting big I expect?" I said, "Yep, it must be the f-kin tight tops you wear!".

   Holiday Recipe #64: To make the perfect holiday punch...just mix 2 bottles of ice cold Grey Goose with 10 shots of red food coloring and serve over green ice,

   The most craziest thing happened to me today...a snowman came up to me and said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Unbelievable right!?! My birthday is clearly in September! Stupid snowmen....

   When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

   received a drinking game for Christmas from the woman that used to be my therapist. She told me once I had a drinking problem… Job Security maybe?

   RODEO SEX: while having sex call her the wrong name and try to hold on for 8 seconds

   A 9 year old boy goes into a pub and says to the bartender, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks." She says, "You're just a kid, do you want to get me in trouble?" "Maybe in a few years," said the boy. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."

   A girl I know went to apply for a job at Hooters. She said there was no application, they gave her a bra and said, "Here fill this out."

   People ask me... Why do you keep your wallet in your front pocket? I say... I like walking towards money not away from it.

   I'm going to make Christmas cookies with dog bone cookie cutters & see if anyone eats them this year!!!

   I went for a walk on the beach with this chick I liked, and we came across this dead bird. I said, "Eew look at that dead bird!" She looked UP and said, "Where??" I didnt call her again after that. :|

   Sorry to hear about the whole “losing your mind thing.” But I know you pretty well and I don't think you'll miss it.

   Updating my resume... What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months?"

   The guy next to me just ordered a shot of Jacks Daniels and a chaser of Italian dressing. I can't decide if he's crazy or a genius.

   At the grocery store, they usually have 6 check out lanes open, unless it's really busy, then they only use one.

   our life should be like a COMPUTER so we can maintain it by keeping only useful files n delete or format the corrupted files

   Florida school board shooter's wife says husband 'misunderstood'. Yeah, he misunderstood how to aim.

   Q: What has any single homosexual in the military done that Newt Gingrich, Mitch McConnell and Jon Kyl never have? A: Serve.