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Jersey Shore is the reason for mental retardation in America. #teamlohan 
Dear Hotel Decorator, why do you insist on putting the coffee maker next to the toilet?
Johnny Weir came out as gay in his new book.... in other news the sky is blue
..Elizabeth Edwards leaves hubby John out of will. Somewhere in NY, Bill Clinton sits nervously, wondering
Wow! I just heard something on TV as "Welcome to the Million Dollar Money Shot!" I was most disappointed to discover I misheard the word "drop".
if you're on a dating site and put that your "not looking for anything serious" in your profile why not be honest and just say "l need to get laid!"
poking someone right after they accept your friend request dirty?
In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.
it sad that I'm more excited for jersey shore tonight, then I was when the ball was dropping on new years eve???
My girlfriend told me I don't appreciate her anymore. Well that makes sense since she doesn't blow me anymore.
I feel like Mr. Rogers when I wear a sweater...just not as sexy.
I'm playing the F YOU song in your presence for a reason. Subliminal message delivered.
his wife is a good cook...she makes the best damn ice cubes he has ever had
Thank you Facebook for reminding me of my anniversary. Please feel free to torment me with reminders of all of my other poor life decisions while you're at it....
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America
sorry, but I can't "go to hell"~ my restraining order states I can't be within 100 feet of it.
just watched 'Marley and Me'... Sad movie. I won't give it away but lets just say the sequel will just be called... 'Me'.
My New Years Resolution is to have as much fun as I can regret
“Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.” - Mark Twain
The new 'Huckleberry Finn' - where Jim is shackled, beaten & kept as human livestock, but nobody calls him any bad words.
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