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People who say "May the 4th be with you" are the same people who say "see you next year" at the employee Christmas party.
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05-04-2016 06:12 by
Mike M
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Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo: The Feast of the 5 Mayonnaises: Hellmann's-Kraft-Duke's-Blue Plate and Miracle Whip
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05-04-2016 09:12 by
Fazzella
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Be careful of those 'dream girls' guys. They'll often end as nightmares.
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05-04-2016 09:25
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Ted Cruz kept saying God wanted him to be President, and this is what happened. So either there is no God, or he reeeally doesn't like Ted.
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05-04-2016 18:56
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Irony: Being able to sleep in during vacation yet waking up spontaneously at 6 am and not being able to get back to sleep.
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05-04-2016 19:28
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My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird?!?!
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05-04-2016 19:30
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Marijuana is the gateway drug for you taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.
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05-04-2016 19:32
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Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
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05-04-2016 19:32
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My service dog refuses to go out of the house without his service squirrel.
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05-04-2016 19:34
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"Welcome to Motel 6, we hope you enjoy your stay, but if not, well, that's okay, too."
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05-04-2016 19:35
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At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die....
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05-04-2016 19:37
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I want a President I can do mushrooms with.
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05-04-2016 19:37
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I hope my cat doesn't want to go as something slutty again for Halloween this year.
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05-04-2016 19:39
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I'm just looking for a nice high maintenance girl who uses the dogface on snapchat, takes tons of selfies, and listens to Taylor Swift.
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05-04-2016 19:40
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I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning...gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
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05-04-2016 19:42
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I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
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05-04-2016 19:44
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, do I still need a logging permit?
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05-04-2016 19:48
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Forget a Klondike Bar. Ask me what I'd do for a Xanax bar.
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05-04-2016 19:50
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90 per cent of my job as a lawyer is being asked to help a friend of a friend's cousin get out of parking tickets.
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05-04-2016 19:52
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I bet Batman's cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
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05-04-2016 19:55
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