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Time is never wasted when your wasted all the time!! 
If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures salmon?
Him: "A wizard is never late, babe. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to." Her: "You're not fooling anyone, that was premature ejaculation and you know it."
hula hooping in wallmart...yeah I still got it
a hazard to myself
2 doctors are laying in bed after having sex.Guy says "You must be an gyno' because you can work that p*ssy." The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."
"Liquor makes my clothes fall off."
wondering why baby outfits have pockets? You can just imagine your 8 month old saying "yep fag's, phone, i-pod, keys ... ready to go."
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo.
You know the women that say: "Why are hot guys always jerks, the nice guys always taken, and the hot and nice guys always gay?" You're fat. Stop making f*cking excuses.
Some guy knocked at my door this morning and asked me if I've ever considered an alternative energy supplier. I said, "No, I'm quite happy with food."
Do you ever have days that when someone says Hi, all you want to say back is, "I wish I was."
Build a man a fire he's warm for a day, set him on fire and he's warm the rest of his life.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Password retrieval question: "What is the square root of a pineapple?" Hack that biatch!
On our 1st date she wanted to take me to a strip club, but I wasn't ready to meet her mother.
I've created my own cookbook by binding all the food delivery flyers together.
So how committed are you two, like on a scale of "one" to "sh*tting with the door open?"
My fortune cookie read: "HELP! I am being held captive at the fortune cookie factory."
Oscar Mayer needs to change the labeling on their bacon packages to read "Excellent source of hangover cure."