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has just been banned from tesco.. apparently you're not supposed to pour water into the bucket marked "Pakistan flood appeal" 
If I am ever on life support and you pull my plug, wait 5 minutes and plug it back in.It seems to work great on my modem!
Whenever I exit a public toilet... I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting and say “Top that, cowboy.”
Lady Gaga went to the VMA's dressed as meat, now she went to the Grammy's in a egg. Two more red carpets and she will be a Denny's Grand Slam
If you were stranded on a deserted island with only a solar powered cd player, and a bieber cd........ how would you kill yourself?
The word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never noticed him. What's up little guy?
What could possibly possess a parent to start a Facebook page for their 2yr. old? What would they (the child) do on here... Swap naptime stories, snack recipes and gossip about the playground with their Day Care buddies??
White Chocolate Milk. Tell me your mind wasn't blown just now...
Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut... The f*cking idiot just shaved my pubes off.
I'm not sure what I find more disturbing, my mum being so adamant that my sister's a lesbian, or my dad winking while he says, "She's not, son......Trust me!"
Why didn't they just kill Gilligan on Gilligan's Island? If he hadn't screwed crap up, they could've been off that damn island years before. And what's with Skipper? You don't get that fat eating coconuts. That fat ba$tard is hiding something.
Stretch before sex , lots of people get hurt like that.
Grammar are our friend.
Dont smoke... there are cooler ways to die.
I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren't even trying.
My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.
FYI, strawberry shampoo does not taste like strawberrys
Don't you love when people tell you 'don't tell anyone' the next day, after you told people.
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