Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fun fact: Bruce Lee does not drink water. Instead, he drinks WATAA!
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A sculptor built a 5280 foot statue of Mick Jagger for his 50th birthday. That's a huge mile Stone.
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The last time I went to see my uncle in hospital the nurse was rubbing vaseline on his back He went down hill very quickly afterwards
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Broke up with my gingerbread girlfriend. She was nice, but she got too kneady.
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not only is it dangerous you'll look like a complete idiot if you text and drive, as that's how typos happen.
←Rate | 10-17-2019 02:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I see witches, gypsies, ghouls, clowns, hobos, whores and hippies show up at my doorstep this month I'm just going to assume we moved the date from July to October this year to have the family reunion.
←Rate | 10-17-2019 02:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 18:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I'm really good in bed" -Ice cream
←Rate | 10-16-2019 18:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 18:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 18:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin. Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge? Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
←Rate | 10-16-2019 18:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?" -How I pick my Halloween costume
←Rate | 10-16-2019 15:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don't say I don't know tragedy.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 15:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 15:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to decorate for Halloween: 1: Buy the biggest pumpkin you can find. 2: Slam it down on your ex's head. 3: Dress said ex as a scarecrow.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 14:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 14:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they're not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 14:27 Comments (0)  

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