Funny Status Messages

   texting this fb status right now because someone really annoying just sat across from me and I want to look busy.  

   just realized life hasn't changed much. 15years ago on Sunday night I was wishing I was grown up and had a job. Today night I'm up wishing I was in school.......

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't spell.

   If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

   I'm always a bit disappointed when I see a Kia Soul and there is no hamster driving it.

   You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!

   that awkard moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water came out

   Hey Customer Service - Instead of monitoring this call for quality purposes, how about you just listen to what I need and fix it?!?

   I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.

   You're 15 years old. You smoke. You're not a virgin and you wear more make-up than you do clothes. You have a bright future ahead of you.

   Whoever invented morning sex forgot about morning breath.

   The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.

   Difficult to call it a "botched execution" unless he suffered longer than his victim.

   All women want is sex , while the guys just want to talk about feelings and cuddle..

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.

   I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.

   I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.

   Wonders why there's an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?!

   I'm going to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the second day, I have no idea.

   wondering what would happen if he wrote, "For Marijuana" in the memo field of all his checks? ...