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if you replaced every time you read, wand, in a Harry Potter book, with the word Willy, the hilarity is immense. 
Trying to quit smoking. By the way.. Apologies go out to the mormon missionary eating the junior mint..I tried to tell you..I don't do mormon but menthol is my brand...I hope your recovery goes quickly.
today will mostly be dry with a few wet patches but enough about my trousers
If my MTV carreer doesn't work out I think i'm goin to buy a gun.. and sell crack. I'll be a friendly crack dealer though, nothing too formal. I'll just be like 'what's up, want some crack?'
I hate how mainstream and famous the miners have become. I liked it when they were a bit more underground.
so drunk , I thought my toothpaste was astronaut food....
not and alcoholic, I'm just thirtsy.
I wore a Michael Vick jersey to the dogpark. Yea, I'm a badass. What.
When Chelsea Clinton has her baby, do you think Bill is going to celebrate with a cigar?
In the 50's things where better then they are today!...and oh yeah! you're an idiot
When eating her from behind you know you're doing it correctly if her bhole pinches your nose closed.
Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind.
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game? That's not allowed in bowling. I know that now.
Every time I eat Chinese food I wear something nice, just in case I die in the same position as Elvis.
Ladies... As long as I have a face, you have a place to sit on. : p
Man, I slept like an air traffic controller last night.
Does Roseetta Stone work? I want to learn to speak Mexican!
BREAKING NEWS: Biden rushed to the hospital after collapsing of a laught attack to the news of Obama win!
Anything you can do I can do drunker.
I can turn wine into a one night stand. Your move Jesus. 