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These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian officials to share huge sums of money with strangers 
reading this sign outside my office: "In case of fire, don't use elevators." Duh! Water works a lot better!
If you cant dazzle them with your brillance, baffle them with your bull sh!t
Happy Singles Discrimination Day!
Everyone has a freak flag, some just fly their's more than others....im jus sayin....
what is this world coming to? screw Hannah Montana and Jonas... bring back tom and Jerry, scooby doo, and mickey mouse!
I believe my entire life is one complicated drinking game...
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.....
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner??
Drinking won't solve your problems, but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.
Idiot-[id-ee-uht] noun: One who disagrees with me. Synonyms: Fool, Half-wit, Imbecile, Twit, Moron
"I knew you'd be back." -The Drawing Board
I hate when I fall into the trap of acting like I know something and then get asked follow-up questions.
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
MTV has 'My Super Sweet 16' and 'When I Was 17.' What's next? 'Officer, I swear I thought she was 18?!'
I saw the most intelligent piece of graffiti ever today.I was dropping a batch in a public toilet when I saw something written in very small writing at the bottom of the door. As I leaned over to see it closer it read..."You are now s***ting at a 45°
How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you.
If he was stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.
If I ever reach a point where the best part of waking up is foldgers in my cup....... I'm not sure I wana wake up 