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Good morning Tuesday. Please don't come at me so early next time. And if it isn't too big of a deal, I would really like you to change your name to Saturday. 
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner??
Drinking won't solve your problems, but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.
Idiot-[id-ee-uht] noun: One who disagrees with me. Synonyms: Fool, Half-wit, Imbecile, Twit, Moron
"I knew you'd be back." -The Drawing Board
I hate when I fall into the trap of acting like I know something and then get asked follow-up questions.
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
Condom Ad: if you are not 100% satisfied with our product, Happy Father's Day!!
Everybody get your flu shots now! Make sure all of your family and friends do too. Then I won't have to get one.
I swear if this day gets any better, I'm gonna have to sit on my hands to keep from clapping!!!
Thinks you should donate your opinions to goodwill. They are used to selling crap there anyways.
If there weren't geeks in this world, then there'd be no cool people. I'd like to thank all the geeks.
These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian officials to share huge sums of money with strangers
reading this sign outside my office: "In case of fire, don't use elevators." Duh! Water works a lot better!
If you cant dazzle them with your brillance, baffle them with your bull sh!t
Happy Singles Discrimination Day!
Everyone has a freak flag, some just fly their's more than others....im jus sayin....
what is this world coming to? screw Hannah Montana and Jonas... bring back tom and Jerry, scooby doo, and mickey mouse!
I believe my entire life is one complicated drinking game... 