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Turns out,the ball washer at the golf course is just for golf balls..I owe that trio of nuns an apology . 
I used to work at a bakery. It was a crumby job, but I made a lot of dough.
My wife likes it doggie style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.
1. Lemon 2. Ice 3. Me Things my wife doesn't want in cider
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I can't make you love me, but I can hold your head underwater until you stop breathing.
I bought a keyboard thinking that I'd learn to play it, but I lost interest so I'm taking it to the Salvation Army. I figure that now not only am I helping out an aspiring musician but I'm an organ donor as well so I feel twice as good about myself.
There are two men on opposite sides of the earth. One is on a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting oral from an 85-year-old woman. Both are thinking the same thing. What? A. Don't look down.
Why aren't all of the social justice warriors out helping hurricane victims?! Too soon?!
America: love it or leave it. L left.
Friendly Reminder: a woman that hits a man is not a woman, she's a grown up child.
Mick Jagger a Father again? Really? Has he ever been a father before? I think s p e r m donor would be more appropriate
Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville did not!
let the President Elect do his thing...The American people will rise up and tell him what they want!
I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken.
Her: Make your own snack. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.
I have as much interest in golf as I have in golf.
if I die while I'm in an elevator I hope its while I'm going up not down
When you just want to lick a midget but there’s too many people around.
s there ANYONE out there that when they see or hear the name 'Aaron' they don't say out-loud or at least think A-Aron? 