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To All Those Who Received a Book from Me as a Christmas Present....They are Due Back at the Library Today 
Men pick their favorite sports team when they are like 11 and let it make them upset for the rest of their life.
eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Root beer with a fork* [6:50] I'm a fork and I'm drowning !!
Unless the car you are driving is a Lamborghini Murcielago, then, no, your other car is not the Batmobile.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
So now we're going after FedEx drivers because we concluded they are all thieves?
Just because she is constantly under FBI investigation and has been proven to be totally corrupt doesn't mean she's unqualified to be President of the United States! just kidding
"I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - Pumpkin
Spinal Tap: When you're lying in bed facing away from your partner and you feel two taps on your back; the universal signal for, "wanna?"
The Flubs. 109 and counting
American media be like: "This just in... Russia dumps a load of manure at DNC Headquarters"
I have come to the sad conclusion that Common Sense is a lot like a Deodorant! ... Yup ... The people who need it the most .... Never Use It.
If you want to know who really rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.
I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you an idiot. I really thought you already knew.
Let's face it. If we exist, it means we come from a long line of f**kers.
The cone of silence. The secret square. The inner circle. Just what the heck is geometry hiding?
People wonder what happened to rock n roll. I'll tell you. It's now made by computers with no talent people who talk, not sing over the song, or others who over-sing and think The Voice exemplifies what singing should be.
clerk: Do you like dinosaurs? me: Yeah! clerk: me *realizes she was talking to my son who's wearing a dinosaur shirt and hat*
Pharrell Williams Begs Women to Vote Hillary: "She’s Dishonest, But So Are You"...Now we know why they chose him to be the front man for "Daft Punk" 