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Welcome to your 40's. You get horny anywhere, anytime. Without warning. 
The only good thing about inflation. It allows you to live in a more expensive neighborhood without having to move.
Taught my grandmother that "Jabroni" means "fine young man" and it's made our time out in public way more interesting.
[Breaking News]
Australian strawberries found in Salisbury!
I'm pretty certain I'll never be a serial killer, since I don't have a middle name!
Ciick-fil-a surprises Florida man for his 100th birthday with free food for life.
Unable to purchase McGregor`s Proper Twelve Whiskey from his website, says he is currently tapped out.
Don't you hate it when you think you see a good parking spot but then you turn the corner and Stuart f@&k!Ng little is parked there.
instead of talking about who people whould vote for, maybe gef off social media and actually go put and vote if you want change
Drink beer while you can still afford it.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed dummycrat loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright untill you hear them speak.
My heart goes out to families of those who lost their lives at the Travis Scott concert. It must be terrible to find out that your kids were into rap music.
My wife clips coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $300 Coach purse.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I want to play a video game but there's no channel 3 on my computer. That's how old I am.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target. 