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Crazy that in 2019 auto-flush toilets still can't distinguish between sowho's peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water. 
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and facebook can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.
Orson Welles
Don't sweat the small stuff. In fact, don't sweat the big stuff either. Stop sweating on everything. That's gross.
Spring is acting like my drug dealer!! "Where you at man?" "I am about to pull up" 1 hour later "Where you at man?" "I am right around the corner"
She's complicated? No kidding! So is my can opener.
I'm a nice sociopath. You can trust me.
Don't take it personal. I gave up on people in general years ago.
I didn’t call you fat; I said proper wood furniture normally doesn’t scream like that
In Japan they read sentences from the right to the left. Kind of like how Americans read a menu.
There’s nothing better than driving fast on a warm beautiful morning and listening to loud music. Well...sex, food and money are better but I have none of those. I’ll take what I can get.
If Jack Black and Jack White had a baby together, what name would they use?
What do woman and police cars have in common? The both make a lot of noise when they are coming.
Just once I would like to cross my I's and dot my T's
hey! hey! hey! - Bill Cosby after spiking a woman's drink.
Does it look like I know what a polygon is?
Laugh now, but one day you will be so mad when another car cuts you off and you shake your fist out the window at some robot driver
Whenever my wife wants me to do something, she casually mentions it needs to be done like 49 times, hoping I will pick up the hints. Has not worked so far.
Sound advice: Never keep your hemroid cream on the same shelf as your toothpaste.
Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim has kids, but deep down he knows Beyonce has the best kids of all time. 