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Is it to early to break my new year's resolution or should I wait until after Christmas? 
FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That’s right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, “kind of a slow day.”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I used to have a large ceramic container full of soap but everybody was afraid to use it because... It was a croc o' Dial.
A company has developed a grease burn protection so you can fry a skillet full of bacon naked. You can now fry bacon naked. I know you think it's a joke, but that's how Orson Welles died.
I see they brought back Lincoln Logs. I remember those."Let's see, what should I make? I know, a cabin!"
Death Star II: *explodes* Spirit Halloween: *opens a shop in the wreckage*
Store Clerk: Happy holidays Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS [we just start choking each other]
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings” What are you? A Ceiling Fan. Gave him all the candy.
Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"
It's like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing? Me: Cooking dinner. 7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why? Me: I have no idea.
I'm a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can't control.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone. Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
wife: I wish you were more romantic me *starts biting the chicken nugget I'm eating into the shape of a heart*
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I love when you look into someone's eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting. 