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"your mother" is my response whenever someone talks to me in a language I dont understand. 
Hold your horses is my favourite thing to say to people who don't even have horses.
Just ate some oatmeal and cantaloupe for breakfast incase anyone needs a walking buddy at the mall this afternoon.
Sorry Jupiter, unless Matt Damon gets stranded on you, nobody actually cares about your planet.
Lebron went home, Wade went home..what y'all Cubans waiting on?
I just ordered all new cookware made from Hillary Clinton stem cells.....NOTHING sticks to it.....
Judging by my news feed this week, people are outraged by the amount of recent killings AND trespassing on personal property from Pokémon GO players. Stop the madness, people!
What's the one phrase a blind person never wants to read? "Do not touch!"
Q.What do you call a dog with 2 inch legs and metal b@lls. A. Sparky
If you visualize something you can make it happen. I'm visualizing taking a nap.
Drunk Books: Where The Wild Things Are Dancing On Tables.
90% of working in an office is trying not to be an arsonist.
I've gotten so good at deciphering acronyms that I listed is as a qualification on my resume'
Reading the box for my microwave dinner and the instructions said "take top off...." I was thinking, 'why would I have to take my top off.'
I huff and puff and take your welfare away....,,
If anyone called me a tough cookie I would be so insulted because tough cookies are the absolute worse.
Happy endings run rampant in Disney Princess prostitution ring.
Somedays I have the most intense on and off relationship with my pants.
...... It's Dark vs Light .... Not Black vs White .......
I am crying finding out that the world's greatest neurosurgeons finally meet, Dr. Drake Ramoray and Dr. Derek Shepard. What?!?! They are supposed to be dead. 