Funny Status Messages

   Back in my day, there was so much toilet paper, people used to string it up in the trees of their enemies.

   There once was a couple Depp and Heard, in who’s bed they discovered a turd. They beat each other up, without a prenup, and did drugs that they preferred.

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wan go home...

   If you put trash in your pocket to avoid littering, you’re going to heaven.

   Imagine an e-mail finding you well.

   A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

   Last month people were marching to arm citizens in Europe. Last week people were marching to kill babies with abortion. Now people are marching to take guns away to save children. Can you please make up your minds?

   Of course God knows about the bad things that happen. But, unlike lefticles, he has to be invited to intervene in your life.

   If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

   “Hope we didn’t need that.” Me, vacuuming.

   A penny found is worth more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.

   When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants, that way it’s illegal to dig it up. Follow me for more gardening tips.

   Pets are weird. It’s just this thing that lives in your house and you can’t speak to each other, but you are best friends.

   You survived the winter of death. Let’s see how you do in the summer of starvation.

   People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

   Confucius says ~ He who wear mask alone in car, also wear condom alone in bed.

   People would be a lot less angry if they just put more butter on everything.

   If you wore a mask for two years, you can wear a condom for sex.

   Hold up ladies and gentle fellows, a delicate genius is about to trill us with his daily regurgitative diatribe.

   If you hear a woman scream in the dressing room, it’s because they found my hidden camera.